Stop and read! Get it? Because of the stop sign in my picture 🙂 Last joke. I promise. I’m definitely not a comedian.
Before I begin this little reflection, I think it is important to clearly state how much my heart goes out to all those affected by the coronavirus, especially the elderly and immunocompromised. While a young, healthy person will likely be just fine when this is all said and done, there are others that would not be. For that reason, I understand the current quarantine procedures that are going on, and I have no objection to the necessity of social distancing and self-isolation. In times like these, we truly see what we are capable of. What I hope entails is a significant amount of compassion, and my faith in the universe is restored every time I see people on Instagram offering to run errands for their elderly neighbors that cannot do so themselves. This may be a difficult moment in time. However, it too shall pass, and it is important that we look back on this and think to ourselves that we did what was right.
To selfishly begin my little reflection, I am incredibly distraught by how the coronavirus has affected my life. I’m not going to lie. I am pretty devastated right now. However, it might not necessarily be for the reasons any of you may suspect. If you follow my Instagram stories, you may have seen me share that UCLA has decided to cancel all in-person classes and continue instruction remotely through online means until the end of the academic year. If I were a high school sophomore, I would probably be jumping for joy, even given the horrible circumstances that are the coronavirus. Sixteen-year-old me would have been ecstatic that I didn’t have to be waking up at the crack of dawn to don my plaid skirt and stay awake through the monotony that is high school. I would have been elated to stay home and finish work productively in my own time from the comfort of my couch instead of the strictly set schedule that took me from block 1 to block 2 and so on. However, I am no longer a high school sophomore. I am a college senior, and this kind of news instantly had me bawling with tears streaming down my face.
Earlier this winter quarter, talks of the coronavirus were beginning to buzz, but the situation appeared to be contained in China for a majority of the term. The few cases that were in the United States seemed to be under control and not a surprise due to previous contact with those who also tested positive for the virus. In a matter of days, the situation went from life as normal to self-quarantine and social distancing. For anyone, regardless of what stage in life they are in, this is quite the shock to the system. Life in the United States, and most countries of the world, has come to a near halt. We often times think of ourselves as being impervious to situations like this, believing it’ll never be us, but the coronavirus is evidence that we are not.
The shocking halt to daily life has included remote or online learning for schools across the nation. Initially, that meant online finals and starting spring quarter from my laptop. Only two or so days later did UCLA send out the news that the entire rest of the school year would be online, and there would be no in-person lectures for the remainder of the academic year. When I saw the Daily Bruin publish this decision to Instagram, I froze. I could not believe it. We had only just gotten the news that we would be online for the next month. It felt so quick to make a decision for the rest of the school year. Semester schools only had a few weeks left, but because UCLA and much of the UC system are on quarters, we have an entire ten-week term left. Making decisions in March about what will happen in June felt so far away. However, after the shock settled, I wasn’t frozen anymore. Instead, I began to cry.
I felt like I had been robbed of something I was entitled to. I am not graduating early. I am not graduating late. I am graduating on time. I specifically planned my classes so that I would be able to enjoy a full four years of some of the best times of my life on my undergraduate campus with the most amazing people to come into my life. Had this coronavirus pandemic not come about, I would have been able to finish out college as normally as any other graduating senior. I did not get to relish the final moments of my last lecture or admire my walk to class for the last few times. Spring is easily my favorite time to be on campus. It’s lighter later, the jacaranda trees and jasmine bushes begin to bloom, and I tend to enjoy my classes the most. To think that I will not be able to enjoy my favorite part of the year during my last year as a UCLA student saddens me to my core.
However, the primary reason for my sadness is that the school’s actions against the pandemic mean that I will not be able to enjoy the company of my friends in the way I had expected I would be able to. I am very proud of my degree and everything that I learned along the way, but the best things to come out of my UCLA experience are my friends. At no other point in my life have I had friends as amazing as them. They are quite frankly the reason I would not trade my UCLA experience for anything else. I will alway be able to thank UCLA for bringing these amazing people into my life.
After we graduate, everyone is moving on to the next chapter of their lives (as they should, myself included!). I have friends moving all across the nation to pursue careers in medicine, cyber security, entertainment, and so many other industries. The end of the school year was going to be our last hurrah. From then on, it will be increasingly difficult to have all of us together in the same room because we will have real jobs, families, even bigger school requirements, and all the other responsibilities of being a full-fledged adult. Our lives are about to take off…and we all thought we would be able to enjoy one last quarter together. After all, isn’t that what your senior year is all about? Having one last year to enjoy this part of our lives and relish in all of the amazing things we have been able to do with this time? These are supposed to be “the good ol’ days” that we reminisce on when we are older, and I can’t help but feel like it came to an wrongfully abrupt end. I fear that the lack of proper closure on this chapter will never settle well with me.
I can think of nearly a million ways to describe how I am feeling: hurt, disappointed, frustrated, angry. However, the emotion that always comes to mind first is sad. Any time I start to think about it, I begin to cry, and I am fairly sure my feelings about this will never change. I know that I will see my friends again many times throughout my life, but it is not the same. I am not the most forgiving person, and I can’t help but feel that I just might always be a little resentful towards the universe for its absolutely awful timing. Especially after everything I have been through in the past year or so, I just want something to go my way. I thought that the end of my college years with my best friends would be a given. Apparently, that is not the case, and I will just have to add this to the laundry list of bad hands the universe has dealt me. I really am due for a change in luck!
Before I sound mopey and fatalistic, it is important that I clearly state that I firmly believe that you create the life you live as well as your own happiness. However, I also think it is important that we do not invalidate our own feelings in the process. Am I happy with the trajectory I have planned for my life? Yes! Am I incredibly sad at this moment in time? Absolutely…and that’s ok! I am sure I will come to terms with all of this at some point down the line. Part of me is actually happy that this is not how I am ending my education. I suppose that is just another perk of going to law school!
I want to conclude this reflection with a restatement of the well wishes I expressed earlier. This blog is a hybrid of many things for me: a creative fashion outlet, an online diary, a travel journal, etc. I take a lot of pride in always remaining completely authentic in all of my online presences. All opinions I ever provide will be entirely my own and only mildly filtered (after all, you have to consider your audience). From the start, I set aside a section on the blog for reflections like this. You can find other thought barfs and completely selfish posts in the “Little Thoughts” section. However, I cannot stress enough that there are those out there dealing with a lot more than I am, and they are the ones that really need the help and attention during this time. I hope that everyone out there stays healthy and spreads a little compassion.
xx
Emily
